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Relationships
Looking for love in all the wrong places
October 3, 2012 | Jewish Tribune
Rachel Zelunka
It’s funny how dating life has changed over the years. In high school you had long-ish relationships. Finding someone to “go out with” was as easy as walking down the hall or sitting in the lunchroom. In university, some nights you met someone but if it didn’t work out, no biggie. You entered the work force. You dated but to no avail. You have amazing friends who've been your friend for a while. Some of them eventually married. You are still lonely. Sure, you’ve had long-term relationships! You’re not a loser! You don’t have issues…and yet here you are…single. Table for one, por favor! What are you doing wrong?
Here are some tips to get you hitched:
Be CLEAR about what you are looking for.
Sounds simple? Most people’s list of what they are looking for is constantly changing. Take some time to reflect on your past relationships. What worked? What didn’t? Create a list of what you are/aren’t looking for. What character traits do you really value in a spouse? (Dependable? Laid back? Ambitious? Generous?) What character flaws do you now realize you cannot be with? (Lazy? Hot tempered? Disorganized?) Realize that one person will not fit your description perfectly. It’s a matter of figuring out which flaws you can deal with in life and which you can’t. Take the top three traits from each list and work with those as your non-negotiable requirements in dating. This clarity will help weed out people who aren’t for you!
Tell friends that you are on the market.
This may sound desperate, but everyone already knows you’re available. It’s just that they forget to keep you in mind when they meet new people. Your job is to remind them. Meeting someone through a mutual friend is not only easier but it is so much simpler to “check the person’s references.” You know your date’s not insane because you made the rendezvous through Uncle Tony…unless, of course, your Uncle Tony’s insane….
Don’t shy away from dating websites and services.
These are no longer faux pas. While these services cost money, the concept of paying for help deters the less committed types. By its nature you have a more appropriate pond to fish from.
Don’t think the longer you date, the better you will get to know each other.
This is a bit controversial. Once you are dating someone I’m not suggesting you should commit to them for life after one dinner but how long is enough to get a handle on someone? One year? Two years? Eight years? Ironically, on average, people who are in a relationship for a long time without a proposal don’t end up with that person in the end (or get divorced years later). Yes, I know you know a couple that is the exception. You follow the rules not the exceptions. If you’ve been dating someone for a year or more and are not ready to get engaged, you have to ask if someone has commitment issues. Beyonce was right – if you like it, then you should put a ring on it. Usually reflecting on past relationships, the flaws or issues the person had that you couldn’t stand were somewhat noticeable from the early stages (if you weren’t in denial or convinced that you could change them). Their issues are not going to disappear. You’re not going to change them.
Rachel is a lovely brunette, mother of three and successful matchmaker (www.findmysoulmate.ca) in the Toronto-area specializing in young Jewish singles looking for love in all the wrong places. matchmakerrachel@gmail.com
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